Chain of confidence - logan levkoff

During the summer, we tend to forget all about the stresses of the rest of the year. Perhaps our dating strategies have fallen to the wayside; perhaps we haven't been concerned about our relationships because we've been too busy hanging out with our friends. No worries, there is no time like the present to regroup.

Even if you haven't made "dating" a priority, perhaps you've had a few commitment-less encounters. Today, it seems like everyone is talking about "friends with benefits." And if you thought that phrase only applied to teenagers, you would be mistaken. There are plenty of adults who have sexual relationships with people who they are friends with. The reason? Well, this type of "partnership" appears to present adults with an opportunity to have physical pleasure without emotional entanglements.

While you are perfectly entitled to engage in whatever type of partnership you see fit, I have some concerns about these casual relationships. While this is not true for all, often times, one person is actually emotionally involved with someone else. We cross our fingers and hope that if the physical comes first, an emotional relationship may develop later. In an attempt to protect our feelings (and to avoid feeling vulnerable) "friends with benefits" seems appealing. However, if one of us does have romantic feelings and our partner doesn't express the same, we wind up getting hurt anyway.

But this isn't an indictment of "friends with benefits."

This is an opportunity to reevaluate why we make certain decisions and how to engage in relationships that support who we are and encourage us to feel confident and secure.

So how do we regain our confidence in a way that helps us with our relationships?

First, set some goals for yourself. What are you looking to accomplish in your current relationship or if you are single, what kind of relationship are you looking for? (Keep in mind that our goals are simply guidelines. You can always amend them as you see fit.)
Second, ask yourself how can you achieve those goals? Are you going out and meeting new people? Are you engaging in activities that you find fulfilling and meaningful? If you haven't been doing these things, are you ready to start?
Third, think about the barriers that you have been up against in the past. Are your friends helping you maximize relationship success? Are they supportive of your needs and wishes? Do they allow you to express yourself without fear of judgment?
Fourth, remember that vulnerability is a part of relationships. If we don't put our feelings out there, we aren't being genuine. If we insist on protecting our feelings, we will never be fully engaged in our relationships. Sure, sometimes we get hurt, but if we never take an emotional risk, we will never be able to reap the emotional rewards.

We shouldn't hide who we are for the sake of others. Own your feelings; own your desires. And if that's difficult, in the spirit of the "back to school" season, think about your teenage self and how you handled your first romantic crushes or relationships. What would you do differently if you could go back in time? Though to the best of my knowledge there are no time machines, your adult self can benefit greatly. Wave goodbye to your teenage self and be the woman you always wanted to be.